It’s been one month. Almost to the hour. I don’t let on to the people around me how much I miss you. But I do. I think about you all the time. Some days are easier than others. I am happy you are pain free now. I am happy you are with Lexi. I am happy that you are happy. But the guilt sometimes gets to me. I feel guilty about not visiting as much when I got older. I was your little girl, the daughter you never had. I should have lived up to my role better and for that I am sorry. I have no excuses to give and I have nothing to hide behind but the pathetic things and people I thought were important. I will never get that time with you back and for that I apologize. People will tell me that you know I loved you. And I know that. I know that you knew. But that still doesn’t make it okay. I should have come over more and sat at the kitchen table with you and talked for hours. I should have kept coming over for Halloween and getting my bucket of candy. I should have come over for more Christmases to open presents with you and the boys. I just should have. The last time I saw you we were at Lexi’s funeral. I saw the look in your eyes then and I knew I was already too late, so I sat with you a bit longer than I normally have. I told you I loved you and held you a second longer.
But that’s the thing about funerals. It brings the guilt out in people. More people are brought together in tragedy than in triumph. And for this simple fact, we as a human race have damned ourselves. I am sorry we won’t ever get that time back. I am sorry it took you passing away for my eyes to be opened. You were never anything but good to me and I will forever miss you.
You had a heart so big God just couldn’t let it live.
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