So many people measure another’s life by the clothes on someone’s back, the career they hold or the number stamped on his or her bank account. I, on the other hand, disagree with this analysis. I can’t put it in words as well as Morgan Freeman does in his movie The Bucket List, “It’s difficult to understand the sum of a person’s life… Me, I believe that you measure yourself by the people who measure themselves by you.” I see people every day who work hard and offer a friendly face to everyone around them. Those are the people I measure myself by. I thrive to be the girl who her friends can count on whether they have a problem or just need someone to accompany them to a movie. I don’t measure my success solely on my grades or other accomplishments, for that is merely a small part of who I am. I measure by the number of people I help, by the times I want to give up but keep going.
I like to think that I’m not your average person. I don’t dwell on things I can’t change or let obstacles get in the way of the things I want. If one way doesn’t work I will look for a different approach. I’m not the kind of girl to listen to everything I hear or read, I like to find out for myself. I try my hardest to not let people’s side comments discourage my efforts or dreams. At the risk of sounding conceited, to know me is to love me. What I mean is that I enjoy the benefits of many friends and relationships that both enrich the lives of myself, and those around me as I pursue my quest for the understanding of the human soul.
I’m not proud of it but for the last few years I have let life pass me by. I’m not sure what set forth my retraction from the world but I have a feeling it was a combination of things. I didn’t just stop interacting with my friends and family, I withdrew from the things that made me happy. I no longer cared about advancing with my riding, piano or photography skills. The group of friends I had so easily slid into and found a home with, dissipated..and quickly. My family took the hardest hit because I made it my mission to hurt them. I tested boundaries and broke rules just to get a reaction from them. I felt alone and any attention I could get, good or bad, was what I was seeking for. I had this notion that I was supposed to be alone so I pushed everyone out of my life and at the end of the day I was angry because they all had let me push them. After some time I had come to the conclusion that I was meant to be alone, that from then on I was going to be stuck with my own thoughts forever more.
I ended up going to college after graduation and I thought it was going to be my chance to start over, to save myself. But college only made me feel more alone. I couldn’t make any friends and I felt myself drifting further and further into a hole I was afraid I would never be able to get out of. After two years of attending a college I hated, I made a life altering decision. I didn’t know it would affect my life the way it has back then but I thank my past self for doing so. During my second year of college I found myself wondering what I was doing there. I always thought I wanted to work with people but the more people I encountered, the more I decided I really didn’t like people. I also found myself missing my four-legged friends back home and so my mind got to thinking. Why hadn’t I pursued a career with animals? My options were pretty much limitless and there was an excellent school nearby. So I applied. And then I got accepted.
Upon coming to this college my eyes have slowly started to open up to all the things I loved about life before my downward spiral. I will admit that my start here was a little rocky though. The night before coming here I had a small get together with a few friends because I hadn’t seen most of them due to work and other obligations all summer. A kid I hadn’t really interacted with for years ended up coming and I thought little of it. At the end of the night I learned that we attended the same college and he told me to look for him on campus. I didn’t think I would see him but weeks into class I came across him sitting at a table and from there he invited me to his friend’s house that night to watch the football game. I hesitantly accepted. But that acceptance changed my life course forever. And you know what? All it took was a simple yes.
James. That was his name. I have yet to properly thank this man for pretty much saving my life back then. So thank you James if you are reading this. For the first time in years someone noticed me. And I don’t mean noticed me in a sexual way or relationship interest. I mean noticed that something wasn’t quite right. He was a complete stranger to me but he cut through all the bullshit small talk and got right to it. He called me right before class one day and told me call him later because he knew something was going on in my head. From then on he was savior. He would come over and we’d talk for hours or he’d pick me up and we’d go for a drive. There was no pressure to talk and sometimes it was just nice to have someone around. I clung to him for dear life although he probably doesn’t even know that because he was the first person to even try to pull me out of the hole I dug for myself. James gave me hope, but more importantly he showed me hope. I must say it was weird to hear my thoughts out loud again. It was weird to hear my voice period. James got my mind thinking again and pulled down some bricks from this obnoxious wall I’ve built around myself. I continued going to his house every Monday to watch football when he didn’t work. I don’t know if it was luck or fate, but I also met the second person that has changed my life forever in that same room.
He caught my eye almost immediately, but not for the obvious reasons. Sure he was good looking, you know, the tall, dark, and handsome type, but there was more to it than that. He was beautiful, there was no denying that, but I was drawn by the life force he had in him. The way he carried himself was unlike any person I’d ever encountered, in a way it left me confused. I had sat back for years letting life pass me by and in those years I’ve had a lot of time to watch people and their ways in interacting with the world. I would like to think I’ve had seen it all; the lonely and the loved, the shy and the egotistical, the lovers and the haters, the sure-footed and the clumsy, but never have I seen them all together, let alone all in one person. Now by no means am I a judgmental person but I can tell you a lot about a person by spending an hour with them. Every once in a while you meet a stranger and just need to know everything about them. That’s how he made me feel. I needed to know him. And I don’t mean know in the sense of knowing where he grew up or what his favorite color is…I needed to know him inside and out. So I jumped at my first opportunity to open up that possibility. The conversation topic? Sweatpants and how when girls put them on it means you aren’t getting lucky. Ha. That night I took a chance and added him on good old facebook.
The first night we spent together foretold what the rest of our relationship would hold. We stayed up all night until I had class the next day at 10am. There wasn’t one second that was awkward or weird. We held conversations people don’t have first meeting someone and they were effortless. Even when we didn’t have words, we still held conversations. And then our hands touched. Not purposely. Not slowly. Really quickly. We both looked at each other because we both felt the electricity and we both knew what it meant. That was the night I started to fall in love with Justin Allen Tessier. The rest is history.
Now for all the people who know me, I have never been a happy ending kind of girl. I’ve never believed in the fairy tales and I’ve never wanted to be a princess, let alone treated like one. I’ve had this view of love as a form of lie. I found it impossible for two humans to stay truthful to each other because we animals and we have a sex drive. Plus as humans we are greedy and selfish and mostly driven by all the wrong reasons. But in a matter of seconds, this boy made me doubt everything I had previously thought and sought out. I no longer am a cynic of love and I am a believer in soul mates because I truly believe I have found mine.
Justin isn’t just some boy to me. He is my best friend. It has been a little over 2 months and I have never opened myself up to anyone in the way I have with him. He makes me want to be a better me and strive to be the best version of myself. I have picked up my camera again and played the dusty piano keys. I see the good in people again instead of focusing on only the evil. And even though it has only been a measly 2 months, I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. Some may think I’m naïve, but I’m okay with that because I know what I feel. And I will prove it to anyone who questions me. Justin is like home to me. Scratch that. Justin IS my home.
Without James and Justin I’m not sure what version of myself I would be today. They both have proven to be more loyal to me than some of my closest friends. James you saw something in me and believed in me to pull myself out of that hole. What I really appreciate is that you made me do it myself. You didn’t pull me up or give me ladder. You gave me your words and the resources to find my own way. And you never gave up. You helped just in time too because I was strong enough to handle the passing of my baby cousin and my closest Uncle. I believe both of you were given to me for a reason. James you were given to me to help me open my eyes to what I was doing with my life and who I truly wanted to be. You made me strong enough to overcome the terrible events down the road. Justin you were given to me for so many reasons, but I do believe you were given to me at that particular time because otherwise I would have fallen back down again. You were behind me the whole time. You never babied me or doubted me. You also didn’t run. You barely knew me and you didn’t run when my life got crazy.
So thank you both.
I love you.
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